Shinji’s Alternate Universes


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Asuka dipped an ethereal toe into the LCL and stirred it. “I’m bored. What do you wanna do?”

Shinji laid back and stared at the sky. “I dunno, what you you wanna do?”

A light wind picked up, stirring Rei’s hair and giving anyone nearby a tempting peek at her underwear. “Well, we could—”

Asuka raised an eyebrow. “You mean—?”

Shinji’s face turned an interesting shade of red, and a trickle of blood dribbled out of his nose. “Is that really okay with you guys?”

Rei’s expression remained the same blank slate as it always was. “I don’t mind.”

Asuka shrugged. “I have nothing to do anyway.”

Shinji sat back up again, stretching. “Well, then. Let’s start!”

**(Cue Music)**

It’s—

Shinji’s Alternate Universes

an exercise in improvisational silliness, drama, horror, action, and romance (but mostly silliness)

original concept by Farsan de Arnibia

this part sprung from the twisted mind of Dot Warner

**(Monty Python Foot)**

─Complementation: Asuka─

“So, how do you like my mind-space?” Asuka asked as she gave Shinji and Rei a tour of her most recent remodeling.

“Isn’t this Cinderella’s Castle1Not sure whether or not this would be underwater as of 2015.* *But that’s what pictures are for, right??”

“The Schloß Neuschwanstein,” Rei corrected quietly. “The one in Disneyland is just a model.”

“Exactly,” Asuka beamed. Then she blinked. “How did you know, Rei?”

“I like to read.”

Insert one awkward silence here.

“Oh,” Shinji finally inputted, scratching the back of his head. “So, um, why’d you call us here?” Asuka glowered at him, and he was quick to amend. “Besides showing us this cool castle, I mean.”

“Well,” Asuka tossed her hair behind her shoulder. “Since Shinji’s last idea sucked big balls,” (and here the guilty ex-Eva pilot shrunk into himself yet again) “I thought we should try something from my collection.”

Shinji recoiled on instinct. “You mean one of your comics?”

Asuka gave him the Look of Death. “You have a problem with that?”

Shinji gulped. “Um—no.”

Rei pulled a comic from a nearby shelf and showed it to Asuka. “How about this one? I have read the entire series, and I can help you construct a pleasant scenario.”

“I dunno—” Now Asuka hesitated, but the drama was already beginning to play out.

**(Fade)**

─Experiment #314: Kodomo no Evangelion─
I, Asuka Kurata Langely, the beautiful and talented pilot of OMOCHA 02, have never been more humiliated in my entire life! Hayama Shinji, the worst troublemaker in the world and only piloting because his father is Commander Ikari, had the nerve to upstage me on my first debut!

This has gone too far! I, Asuka Kurata Langely, will not put up with this! I’m gonna take him down no matter what! Ayanami, Aida, you’re helping! Kaji-kun, you too!

But—everything keeps backfiring! How could this be possible? My perfect plans have all gone horribly wrong. Argh! There’s only one thing left to do─follow him so that I can find some dirty secret and then blackmail him about it!

(Babbit: Are you sure this is a good idea, Asuka-chan? ^^;)

“It wasn’t my idea,” Asuka sighed as she stared out the window.

“What’s that, Asuka-chan?” Kaji peered over his shades at her.

Asuka found it very hard not to tackle him and squeeze him as tight as she could. “You’re going to help me get back at that Hayama creep arentcha Kaji-kun huh huh huh?”

Kaji sweatdropped as he tried not to veer into oncoming traffic. “Of course, sweetums. I’m your pimp, aren’t I?”

Asuka nearly had a coughing fit. She hadn’t read the series in such a long time that she had forgotten about “her” little quirk. It was sort of nice hearing Kaji-kun call her “sweetums”, though, even if he was patronizing her as his role demanded. Fiction wasn’t that far from reality anyway.

**(Dissolve)**

Asuka held the binoculars in her hand, not bothering to look into them because she already knew what would happen anyway.

“You monster! It’s all your fault!”

“Shut up!”

That’s right, Shinji lost his mother too, Asuka remembered as she watched Shinji storm away from his own home. And he had to watch her die, like I did. She had to gather her breath as her chest began to tighten. No. I won’t think about that again, ever. Never never never!

**(Wipe)**

Asuka sat on the park bench with Shinji’s head lying in her lap. She had also forgotten about this part, or rather made herself forget. She couldn’t keep following the series afterwards, either. It was too painful to continue.

But the words came out of her mouth anyway. They had to, because she wasn’t the one in control. Rei was, that stupid damn doll who didn’t know anything about grief or sorrow.

“Shinji, because Mama loves you, I gave birth,” she ground out slowly, choking on the words. “Mama worked hard to give you life.” The images flashed before her: the haggard face framed by coarse rope, the bloated body swinging out of sync, the doll-daughter with its small form ripped to shreds. “So—so you have to—” Asuka began to hyperventilate. “To—NO!” She leaped out of her seat, sending Shinji flying off the bench as well. “You can’t make me do this! I refuse!” She leveled an accusing finger at Rei, who as still in her Sherlock Holmes outfit from the previous scene. “You—you looked at me when we first merged, didn’t you?!? You bitch! Taking advantage of me when I didn’t realize that I could still use my AT field!”

“I have never looked at you like that,” Rei replied in her usual, quiet way, which of course only infuriated Asuka further. “Your mother chose me as her confessor.”

“Then how the hell did you─” Asuka’s eyes widened, and her voice suddenly dropped to a whisper. “Mama’s here?”

“She has been waiting for a very long time.” Suddenly Rei’s expression softened, and it reminded Shinji of his own mother. “Haven’t you hated her enough already?”

“I—I—” Asuka’s trembling hands balled into fists. “Of course it would be easy for you to forgive her! You weren’t the one who she—she—” Letting out an anguished scream, Asuka ran, crying, into the night.

Rei turned to Shinji. “What are you waiting for, Ikari-kun?”

Shinji, who was still in the dark about the entire mess, blinked. “Huh?”

“Quickly, now.” Rei gave Shinji a little push, causing him to tumble into the large hole2A Plot Hole, of course*. *All this heavy drama needs a little Comic Relief to lighten the mood, doesn’t it? that opened beneath his feet.

**(Cut)**

Complementation: #asuka3Yeah, I know. Kind of lazy of me*. *Deal with it. Nyah.

*Shinji has joined #asuka
Shinji> Um…Asuka?
asuka> go away!
*asuka buries her head in her arms
Shinji> Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong? Why do you still keep things from me?
asuka> because i hate you!
*Shinji blinks
asuka> i hate you, i hate rei, i hate misato, i hate…i hate everybody!
*Shinji shuffles his feet
Shinji> Even…even your mother?
asuka> ……
*asuka whimpers
asuka> mama…why did you leave me?
Shinji> She didn’t leave you, Asuka. She’s here.
asuka> you…saw her?
Shinji> No, only Rei has. But I’ve heard her crying, sometimes.
asuka> ……
Shinji> I don’t know what happened to make you so mad at her, but can’t you give her a chance?
asuka> ……
asuka> no
asuka> no no no
asuka> no no no no NO NO!!!
*Shinji has left #asuka (kicked by asuka)

**(Iris Out)**

─Complementation: #Shinji─

*Rei has joined #Shinji
Rei> She didn’t take it too well, did she?
Shinji> Not exactly…
*Shinji puts ice on his sore behind and sighs
Shinji> I know that she’s been through some bad times, but who hasn’t? Just what is her problem anyway?
Rei> ……
Rei> Maybe it’s time you met her.
Shinji> Who?
*Kyoko has joined #Shinji
Kyoko> Hello, Shinji. Rei has told me so much about you.
*Kyoko bows
Rei> This is Asuka’s mother.
Shinji> Oh…hi.
*Shinji bows awkwardly
Rei> Soryu-san, I think it’s time Shinji knows about what happened.
*Kyoko looks away
Kyoko> I’m sorry Rei, but…I’ve already violated Asuka’s trust too much already. I can’t do this to her again. I appreciate your help, but I think it’s best that I just stay out of her life from now on.
Rei> Don’t you want to be with her?
Kyoko> More than anything. But…I also want her to be happy.
Rei> ……
Kyoko> Shinji, someday Asuka may be willing to share with you that part of herself. But until then, could you please respect her decision to keep it private?
Shinji> Uh…sure, I guess.
Kyoko> Thank you.
*Kyoko has left #Shinji
Shinji> ……
Rei> ……
Shinji> So…what do you want to do?
Rei> I don’t know. What do you want to do?
Shinji> Well…we could go visit Kaji-san’s place again. You know, check up on his watermelons.
Rei> Knowing how busy he is, they’ve probably all wilted.
*Shinji turns a bright shade of red


**(Cue Authoress’ Notes)**
This was supposed to be a lighthearted piece composed of warm and fuzzy feelings plus the typical Kodocha silliness. But then my Evil Muse pointed out the striking parallels between Sana and Asuka, where the “traumatic childhood” department, in particular, things sort of went downhill from there. Oh, well. Someone else can do the silly bits, I guess.

**(Standard “Don’t Sue Me” Disclaimer)**
These characters aren’t mine. I’m just a poor white collar worker anyway. Think of this as free advertising, or something.

(the rest of the story)

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