To: All
From: The Medic
Re: Your complaints

I fail to see why I must continue to explain myself. I have already made it more than clear that I am, first and foremost, not at your every beck and call. Second, even the dimmest among you must have noticed that I become a priority target as soon as I make an appearance anywhere near the front lines, and I can’t very well be an effective Medic when I’m dead. Third, there are plenty of ways to patch yourselves up without me trailing behind you as if I were on some sort of leash; again, I can’t believe I have to point this out, but I am much more generous to those who don’t pester me on a constant basis and who are smart enough to not run headfirst into enemy fire.

However, since SOME OF YOU (you know who you are) continue to raise a stink about how I prioritize my healing, I suppose I should clarify matters once and for all.

Unlike the Dispenser, which works on a different principle, the Medigun is not, I repeat, not some bottomless supply of “Da Healz”. I’m sure you’ve wondered why I bother to go back to the battlefield at the end of each match whenever we win, and have your share of theories. The short version is that I must scavenge the bodies of the dead in order to restock my supplies. And since I am certain you will insist I give you all the gruesome details, I suppose I will humor you just once.

As the result of my participation in some considerably less than ethical experiments when I was younger, I am now the host to a life form that is capable of producing the substance that I use for the Medigun. However, in order to do this, I must consume the flesh of the recently dead and then spend several hours regurgitating said substance—and by now I’m sure all of you have tried putting some in your mouth and know how foul it tastes. One whole, intact corpse results in enough fluid for about one mission’s worth of supplies if I’m not wasteful in using them.

If you think I am making any of this up, you are free to accompany me the next time I have the opportunity to restock.

(For those of you scratching your heads on what the Medic was going on about: for your reading pleasure.)