Tongue-In-Cheek Epilogue: Alucard Fields Your Questions

Tongue-In-Cheek Epilogue: Alucard Fields Your Questions
a follow up of My So-Called Afterlife by Dot


A single spotlight appears in what seems to be an infinite darkness. Alucard steps into it, grinning.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.” He tips his hat, and it disappears into the shadows. “My Master has ordered me to come here and address some of the concerns that have no doubt arisen in your minds. The Captain’s writing style is unfortunately vague, and downright misleading at times.” He grins. “I happen to think she does it on purpose, but of course no one believes me.”

He draws out a piece of paper from the inside of his jacket in a manner much like he would one of his guns.

“I asked the Captain to come up with a list of questions that she herself thought of when writing the story, but did not choose to address directly.” He unfolds the paper and pushes his glasses to the top of his nose. “Question the first: When does this story take place?”

He raises a gloved finger. “First, the short answer: the indeterminate present. However, if you wish for me to be specific, this is where things get a big complicated.”

A copy of the first volume of Hellsing appears in Alucard’s hands. “Mr. Hirano’s comic was first published in 1998, and therefore these events should have taken place either concurrently or sometime beforehand.” The book disappears, and a birth certificate takes its place. “However, the Captain’s character and personality is closer to her current self, of 2004, since six years ago she had not even heard of our illustrious organization and just beginning to enter into fandom.”

Alucard spreads his hands, shrugging. “In the Captain’s words, ‘it’s a frigging self-insertion, people. Suspend a little disbelief, m’kay?’ I suggest you take that advice.”

He consults the paper again. “Question the second: Why does no-one address the Captain by name? What is her name, anyway? And why ‘Captain’, for that matter?”

Alucard chuckles. “What’s in a name? I have to admit, this was a bit of ingenuity on the Captain’s part.” He gestures, and a picture of a faceless male surrounded by beautiful women appears in mid-air. “I’m certain all of you are familiar with the dating-simulation genre, where a purposely ambiguous main character is used so that the audience can live vicariously through the experience. This story was written in a similar vein.” The picture shifts to that of the Hellsing cast plus a faceless female vampire flashing a victory sign at the camera. “Additionally, the Captain might claim to be shameless, but in reality she is terribly shy. If she writes stories under a pseudonym, she would never name a character after herself.”

The images vanishes. “Besides, the Captain had to fake her death after becoming a vampire, so she would have to take on some sort of alias.” Alucard tapped his chin. “I think we ended up suggesting ‘Dorothy’, both as a nod to Mr. Baum’s tale of a stranger in a strange land, and to the Captain herself.”

“As for why she chose the title ‘Captain’, I think it was only for aesthetic reasons. ‘Captain’ hardly is the lowest rank in the United States Army, Navy, or Air Force, but Royal Order of the Protestant Knights is neither a true military organization nor American.” Alucard puts his hands into his pockets. “Personally, I agree with her. ‘Captain’ has a nicer ring to it than ‘Private’, and there’s less of an opportunity for me to tease her about her rank.”

The paper rustles again. “Question the third: How did the alcohol work on Anderson? Shouldn’t he not be affected, being a regenerator? So what happened the night of the party, anyway?”

He nods, impressed. “A very legitimate concern. As the Captain later finds out, there was much more going on at that party than a simple prank. In addition, her story contains suggestions that members of the clergy have access to magicks that could suppress regeneration.” He points to himself. “And of course, I was also present, messing with the Judas priest’s mind on top of everything else.” He double checks the list. “As for the lurid details concerning the Captain’s transformation into a servant vampire—” He clicks his tongue. “My, my, I suppose there would be those with morbid curiosities, but…I’ll have to apologize to the Captain later.” He ponders, vocalizing his thoughts. “Let’s see. How shall I put this politely?”

Alucard is a mass of black on black, a multitude of eyes and mouths swarming among the tendrils. “Do not inquire in the affairs of vampires, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.” He reverted to his usual form. “Honestly, did you think I would answer that one? The Captain barely even writes about the occasional hanky-panky!” He pauses to listen to some sort of stage whisper that is inaudible to everyone else. “You will be heartened to know that she is getting over that, slowly. But I’m still going to be frustratingly vague on this particular incident.” He grins. “Just use your imaginations. I’m sure you can come up with something infinitely more horrible than anything the Captain could.”

He clears his throat. “Question the fourth: Why doesn’t Alucard tease the Captain the same way he does Seras, or even Integra?” He laughs. “Who says I don’t? The Captain just chose to gloss over that particular aspect, because her focus was mainly on the Judas priest. Speaking of which, question the fifth: So why the Anderson pairing?”

He shrugs. “Why not?” The spotlight expands so that all of the main characters are now visible. “Let’s consider each pairing inpidually, shall we?”

Seras is the first to vanish. “The Captain already expressed her distaste of the police girl in her memoirs. Not that she has anything against Seras personally, she just doesn’t like angst for the sake of angst. Plus, the Captain generally isn’t into women unless they are very compelling.”

“Which of course raises the question of my Master. By the Captain’s own admission, she finds Sir Hellsing to be ‘wicked awesome’, but her attitudes are closer to genuine respect than anything else.
And of course there’s the whole vampire issue.” Another spotlight dims. “This may change in the future should the Captain ever come to terms with her slightly ambiguous sexuality, but don’t bet on it.”

“Walter was quite the lady-killer in his youth, but unfortunately, age has caught up with the Angel of Death. Quoth the Captain, ‘it’s an interesting idea; I’ll look into it the next time my Evil Muse lobs another plot bunny at me’.”

“The other captain, one Pip Bernadette, has not made enough of an appearance in the English comics to make any sort of impression. And the police girl’s rather taken with him anyway.”

“Enrico Maxwell…no. Not even I would consider something so horribly evil.”

“As for myself, why would I be interested in the Captain, when my Master is infinitely more desirable? Plus, despite the Captain’s assertions to the contrary, I don’t think she ever quite forgave me for turning her without permission.”

“And there you have it, the only candidate left, the Judas priest.” Alucard lowers his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “I hear that the Captain tends to have a thing for gruff, protective types, but don’t tell her I said that.”

He looks around at the once again empty room a bit nervously before continuing. “Question the sixth: So what was Anderson really like when he was younger?” He frowns. “This is one that the Captain has no clear answer to, since she lacks the resources. Mr. Hirano drew an adult comic called ‘Angel Dust’ that stars the Judas priest, but the Captain cannot read Japanese and has no interest in looking at smut.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I think it’s pretty safe to say that the Judas priest was just as fanatical then as he was now, and given the pictures of him I’ve seen on the internet,” his fangs glint in the light. “Let’s just say I’m having too much fun with the Iscariot dog to make him my fledgling. For now.”

He checks the list and blinks. “Hm, last question already? I thought the draft had been longer.” He shrugs. “Ah, well. Question the seventh: So, do they do it?” He shakes his head. “My, my, Captain, you are really painting yourself in a corner with this one. Why don’t you answer this last one yourself?”

A rather bland-looking young woman appears next to Alucard, her back to the camera. It is clear from her body language, however, that she does not look too pleased to be there. “I thought you liked the attention, Sir Alucard.”

“Of course I do, Captain, but I figure you should put these particular words into your own mouth.” And with that, Alucard vanishes in a spray of bats.

The young woman starts to say something, but stops herself and sighs. “Fine, be that way.” She turns around to address the audience, her face somehow shadowed. “Yes, but not any time soon. I’m thinking somewhere around the order of, oh, the end of the civilization as we know it.”

Alucard pops back in, hanging upside down from an unseen ceiling. “That long? My, you two are the most stubborn people I’ve ever met.”

“That reminds me.” The woman tosses something at Alucard. “Here, put this on.”

Alucard inspects the gift. “A necklace? What on earth for?”

“Stress relief,” answers Integra, also stepping into the limelight. “Sit.”

Alucard collapses onto the floor in an undignified heap. “What in hell—”

“The Evil Muse gave me the most interesting idea the other day,” the Captain observes with a smile on her face. “Have you ever heard of a series called Inu-Yasha?”

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