Kodomo no Evangelion

Title: Kodomo no Evangelion
Plot, or Lack Thereof: Kodomo no Omocha/Neon Genesis Evangelion fusion.
Reason for Banishment: Cliches up the wazoo, too much rehash of source material.


My name is Kurata Asuka Langely. I’m fourteen years old, my blood type is O, my sign is Sagittarius, and my three measurements—ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

*bam* *whap* *biff* *squeak*

(Babbit: Fear her! Cower before her! But whatever you do, don’t call her Queen!)

Aaaaaaaanyway, I’m a pilot for the super gigantic manmade robot, called Evangelion. So far it’s all been tedious training, but soon I’ll get to be on national TV! I’m going to be the most famous girl in the world!

Still, my life isn’t completely wonderful. Even after adjusting to the time difference between Germany and Japan, I always wake up with barely enough time to go to class. Like today.

***

“Latelatelatelatelatelate!” I throw water on my face, rip my comb through my hair, and pull my clothes on as fast as I can. I’m about to dash out the door when Misato stops me.

Ah, a quick interruption. Misato is the woman I’m living with here in Tokyo-3. My stepmother wanted to stay in Germany, and my daddy didn’t want to be parted from her. I didn’t care, since I knew Misato for a long time since she worked in Germany too. Misato tries to take care of me, and she does pretty well, but she is a horrible cook.

(Babbit: Now there’s an understatement if I ever heard one.)

“Breakfast,” she says. The same words flash on and off on her hat as Pen-Pen powers it on his running wheel.

Another quick interruption. Pen-Pen is a miniature warm water penguin, and decorates Misato’s hat. I have no idea where she got him from, and honestly, I don’t think I want to know.

“No way!” I exclaim. “You call curry-flavored instant noodles with beer breakfast? Okay so I’m not allowed to drink but still—”

“You will eat,” Misato interrupts, her face resolute.

“B-b-but it’s 8:45 now and I’ll be even more late and I was late yesterday and the day before and the day before that and the day before that too all right so the teacher hasn’t noticed yet but I don’t want to be late again!” I protest.

“Kaji can drive you there,” Misato points out. “And it’s okay to take breaths when you’re talking; it’s not against the law.”

Kaji-kun is my boyfriend. He hangs around me a lot, says nice things to me, drives me to school when I oversleep, which happens a lot, and almost always takes me to work afterwards.

“Well.” What the heck, I am sort of hungry. “Oh, fine fine fine I’ll eat if it makes you happy.” I dash back to the table, stuff my face with the curry, and wash it down with two cans of root beer.

“Morning, Princess,” Kaji greets, strolling into the room.

“Kaji Kaji Kaji Kaji KajiKajiKajiKajiKaji KAJI-KUN!” I squeal, tackling him. I don’t let go until he drops me off at the school gate.

(Babbit: Anyone seen a car do cartwheels? You have now!)

***

“Hihi!” I greet sheepishly as I open the door. “Sorry I’m late, I was having a very nice dream and when I opened my eyes it was already eight thirty and Misato made me eat breakfast—”

My words are lost in the chaos that has taken over the room. Things fly all over the place: erasers, pencils, paper, soccer balls, and even students, most of them male. Except now they’re acting more like monkeys in a zoo. Worse, even.

(Babbit: The correct description to use here would be “non-nuclear holocaust”.)

Again? I think. It’s times like this that I really wished I didn’t have to go to school. And technically, I don’t, since I already graduated from college in Germany, but Misato said I needed to brush up on my Japanese. Besides, the only other choice I had was to read The Tale of Genji and write a report on it. That would’ve been more boring than going to class!

“RETURN TO YOUR SEATS!” Hikaru bellows, which of course gets ignored. Hikaru is the class president, and a super nice girl. With the sensei a nervous wreck from all of this chaos, she’s sort of taken over as the authority figure. Not that any of the monkeys listen to her, but at least she tries, whereas sensei just sulks in the corner and weeps.

One of the monkeys pauses just long enough to make a face at Hikaru. “You’re not the teacher!” He taunts, before throwing an eraser loaded with chalk dust at her.

One boy is still seated among the mess. Hayama Shinji. He just transferred to this school a few days ago as well, but he’s already established himself as the boss of these monkeys. The idiots would do anything for Hayama—including jump off a cliff—if he ordered them to.

Currently Hayama is sitting in the back of the room, listening to his SDAT and watching everything with a blank expression. Ooh! Just looking at him makes my blood boil!

Sit down, pretend he’s not there, and get on with the class, I think to myself, strolling into the room. I’m about to do just that, when I realize I can’t find my desk! Where is it? Where where where wherewherewhere—

Hayama is using it as a footrest.

I stomp over to him and slam my hands down in front of him. “Good morning, Hayama!” I greet, making sure he knew I mean anything but what I said. “You look like you ate three jars of pickles which of course is how your face is always arranged.” Still getting no response from him, I lean forward and yank the earphones away from him. “Give me my desk back right now I don’t want to have to ask twice you really wouldn’t like that I have many years of extensive combat training at Komawari you know and I can kick your sorry butt any day of the week.”

Hayama looks at me once, takes his earphones back, and plugs them in again.

Now I lose my temper. “Give it back!” I start yanking at the desk, but it doesn’t budge. “Give it give it give it give it give it come on gimmegimmegimme—” I take in a deep breath, square myself, and pull with all my might. “GIVE IT—”

Hayama lifts his foot.

I don’t think I need to elaborate on what happens next, or how the rest of the day goes.

I hate school.

***

“Oh, does that Hayama ever drive me insane!” I rant as I change into my plug suit. “Day in and day out those monkeys just play play play and Hayama’s their boss but he just sits there listening to whatever he listens to on that dumb SDAT and today he was hogging my desk but that loser of a teacher won’t do a thing about it! I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I—” I stop when I realize that my surroundings are unfamiliar. “Hey Kaji-kun where’re we going this isn’t the way to the simulation room—” I gasp as a thought occurs to me. “Am I going to get to pilot for real am I am I am I please tell me that I am please please—!”

(Babbit: Asuka-chan’s Killer Move Number 12—The Komawari Hug of Death!)

“Please let go,” Kaji-kun squeaks, turning a very cute shade of blue. I loosen my arms a little, and Kaji takes in a deep breath. “Yes, you’re going into the field today, but—”

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI! Wai wai wai wai wai!” Kaji- kun grabs my shoulders and stops me in mid-dance. “Kaji-kun?”

Kaji-kun looks very uncomfortable, but he takes a deep breath and goes on. “Remember what else happens today?”

Everything I am about to say gets swallowed back down when I remember. “Another pilot is arriving.”

Kaji-kun nods. “We’ve gone over this many, many times already: this is not some television show where you’re the only star.”

“Hai hai hai hai hai,” I answer.

“I mean it, Asuka, you are to be on your best behavior today.”

Kaji-kun is all business now. I hate it when he pulls that face. I put my left hand on my heart, hold up my right hand, and close my eyes. “Asuka swears she will be nice,” I intone, being as serious as I can. I open my eyes again and gaze at Kaji-kun. “So please smile again, Kaji- kun? Please please please please please?” I beg, drawing out the last ‘please’ as long as I can.

Kaji lets out a long breath before giving in, but his eyes do not smile. “Now, you promised,” he reminds me, before leaning back and letting the escalator take us to our destination: the Eva cages.

***

“Wow!” My mouth hangs open as far as it can go. “It’s huge! I didn’t realize EVAs are so big in real life this thing must be at least fifty feet tall—” The hatch on the purple EVA Unit 01 opens, and the medical team rushes forth to help out the pilot. “Rei!” Panicking, I turn to Kaji-kun and grab his shirt. “What happened to her? Did—”

“She was injured by an Angel,” Commander Ikari’s voice cuts in from above.

“An-an Angel?” I stammer, more because I was scared of the Commander than the prospect of the real battle ahead.

“That’s right.” The Commander pushes his glasses back up to his nose, and they seem to glimmer. “Rehearsal is over, Pilot Kurata.”

The door behind us opens and a very sheepish Misato strolls in, minus the hat, of course. She only wears them at home. “Hi! Sorry I’m late, I got a little lost.”

“A ‘little’?” Dr. Ritsuko repeats with a raised eyebrow, and Misato flushes red.

“So this is what my father’s been up all these years,” a quiet voice behind Misato states.

I recognize the voice immediately, and I almost fall over from shock. “H-HAYAMA?”

(Babbit: Did anybody not see that one coming from a mile away?)

“You’re Commander Ikari’s son?” I ask. I stare at Hayama, and then at Commander Ikari, and then back again. I imagine Hayama wearing dark glasses, and Commander Ikari in a school uniform.

(Babbit: Ikari Gendou, boss of the NERV monkeys?)

“Well okay so maybe you do kind of look like him,” I admit, “but you never said anything about your father in school and you don’t even have the same last name—”

“Hayama was my wife’s maiden name,” Commander Ikari explains from above. Commander Ikari always never lets me finish any of my sentences. He turns to Hayama. “You know what you have to do.”

“I refuse,” Hayama answers, cold as always. Was it my imagination, or was he starting to clench his fists?

Commander Ikari pushes his glasses to his face again. “Very well.” He turns to me. “Kurata.”

I snap to attention. “Yes, sir!”

“Go ahead as planned. Rei will back you up.”

My jaw drops open again. It’s really starting to hurt. “You’re making Rei pilot?” I turn to Hayama, grab his shirt, and shake him hard. “Hayama, you’ve got to pilot you’ve just got to—!”

The doors at the other end of the walkway opens and Rei is wheeled in on a stretcher. She looks at him weird, as if she’s met him before.

Hayama’s face bears no emotion, but he is trembling even more.

The entire building jumps, as if something sneaked up to it and yelled “BOO!”, and I nearly fall over as well. Above us, a loud crunching noise sounds, and a huge steel bar comes crashing down—

—towards Rei.

“WATCH OUT!” I yell, moving before I have time to think. I’m moments away from sacrificing myself to save Ayanami when I collide with Hayama’s forehead, sending both of us landing on our rears.

(Babbit: It’s a good thing Asuka has a hard head.

Asuka: Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?

Babbit: Uh—never mind!)

“Owowowowow!” I moan, in too much pain to say anything else. By the time the stars have cleared from my vision, Hayama was hovering over Ayanami, staring at her.

It’s about now that I remember that we should be as flat as pancakes by now, which of course we aren’t. So, I look up to see what kept us from being squashed under tons and tones of metal and cement.

Gwuh.

“Asuka, close your mouth,” Misato chides. “That’s not ladylike.”

I grope, find my jaw, and force it closed.

Meanwhile, Hayama is glaring at his father, and it’s the first time I see an emotion other than boredom flash across his face. “Fine. I’ll do it.”

***

“Hello, boys and girls,” Zenjiro’s disgusting face fills the monitors. “Today’s a wonderful day, isn’t it?”

“No,” I mutter to myself as the gross orange stuff they call LCL rises in the entry plug.

Zenjiro let out a plaintive sigh. “Piloting an Evangelion must be so exciting!”

Like you would care, I think.

Zenjiro clasps his hands together. “Oh, to be fourteen again—”

“Zenjiro,” Commander Ikari’s voice cuts in.

“Yes, sir?”

“Shut up.”

Amid giggles, the red-faced Zenjiro turns off his connection, and I let out a mental sigh of relief.

“Ready, you two?” Misato asks, trying very hard not to laugh as well.

I flip Misato a thumbs up. “I was born ready!”

Hayama is the usual poker face again. “Ready.”

“All right.” Misato strikes a heroic pose. That’s supposed to be my job, but I guess being my guardian means she can indulge every once in a while. “Eva, LAUNCH!”

***

“Woohoo!” I squeal, relishing the rush I got as the Eva shoots upwards. Hayama just clenches his teeth and clutches the hand rests of his entry plug even harder. The Eva lurches to the surface, and it takes me a while to catch my breath.

“Okay, Shinji, you just concentrate on walking for now,” Ritsuko says. “Asuka, deploy your weapon and make sure that Angel stays where it is.”

“Roger!” I beam, making sure the camera caught the perfect angle as I pressed the big red button marked ‘PSM’ with a flourish. One of the panels in Unit 02’s arm pops open, and I use my other “hand” to pull out the long rod. Moments later, the Progressive Squeaky Mallet begins to expand. I had seen it a dozen times in Sim mode, but I still mouth a silent “wow” as the Mallet opens to its full size. Then, I hear a beep, indicating that the weapon was ready. “Progressive Squeaky Mallet deployed and ready to squash some Angels,” I report.

“Yes, Kurata, we can see that,” Commander Ikari replies. “I suggest you focus on the battlefield rather than try to impress us.”

Fuddy duddy, I think, readying myself.

Meanwhile, the Angel continues to bat planes out of the sky and stomp on random buildings. Ooh! It’s about to crush the school flat to the ground! Do it! Do it! Do it!

It misses.

(Babbit: Sorry, Asuka, at least half of the scenes in this series have to take place there.)

I stalk towards the Angel, Mallet in hand. How dare it prolong my suffering! I grow even angrier as the Angel does not show the appropriate fear of my righteous fury. I raise the Mallet high over my head—

And the world erupts into a confused jumble.

“W-w-w-w-w-w-a-a-a-a-a-a-t’s g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- ing-ing-ing-ing-ing-ing-ing o-o-o-o-o-n-n-n-n-n?” I almost bite my tongue off. The entire cockpit—no, the entire Eva—shakes up and down like Kaji did once when I spilled my ant farm on him. The thought of Kaji makes me realize that this feeling is strangely familiar.

With one last lurching bump, the mini-quake stops, just like that.

“Never bring that THING into this building again, Ryouji,” I hear Gendou command, and the air feels very cold.

“You heard the Commander, Asuka,” Kaji-kun’s voice is not as cheerful as usual. “Turn your pager off, and keep it in my car from now on.”

So that was what all that fuss was about. I reach over and shut my only other lifeline to Kaji-kun. If the speakers don’t work now—I shake my head. Right now battling the Angel was top priority!

Except—I can’t find the Angel any more.

“Shinji!” Misato yells, worry filling her voice. “Move out of the way, quick!”

The Angel is grabbing Hayama’s Eva and twirling it around, faster and faster. Then the Angel let go, and Hayama’s Eva goes flying into the distance. I wince, knowing that it must hurt, but Hayama only grunts slightly.

“Asuka, go support Shinji on the double,” Misato commands.

“No problem!” And after I save Hayama from eminent doom, he’ll have to be my slave forever, I think.

Of course, it all goes horribly wrong in every way imaginable.

***

Next time, on Kodomo no Evangelion: After the Angel attack, Hayama is even worse! He even pushed Hikari in the pond! This is going too far! I’ve got to find a weakness I can exploit, so that Hayama will listen to me! Be sure to tune in for Episode 0:2, “Retribution/Operation Eyeball, Toothball”!

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