How the Soldier Accidentally a Harem


The Administrator was beginning to regret digging into her employee’s metaphorical dirty laundry. “So you’re telling me—” She massaged the bridge of her nose, wondering if she should call for a drink after all. “That delusional, trigger happy moron has such a loose grip on reality that he’s gotten himself married to his teammates?”

Miss Pauling nodded. “To be fair, ma’am, we were the ones who listed him as the spouse for both the Sniper and the Medic so we could expedite their papers, and the Heavy Weapons Guy was an honest mail-order bride mix-up that we took advantage of.”

“I remember those,” the Administrator snapped. “I was there when those things happened.” She stabbed an accusatory finger on the other marriage certificates. “I meant the rest of these.”

Miss Pauling began to look through the thick files. “Well, in the case of the Demoman and the Scout, I believe it was a result of a trip to Los Vegas; that’s strange, I’m sure there’s pictures somewhere.”

“Those aren’t necessary.” The Administrator lit a new cigarette. “I don’t need them to know that the Engineer wasn’t on that trip.”

“Oh, marrying the Engineer was for the tax breaks. As much of a patriot Mister Doe claims to be, even he’s not a fan of the IRS.”

The vein on her forehead began to throb even more. “Did he not get the memo? Those assholes are always looking at our books hoping to catch us in some sort of slip-up!”

Miss Pauling nodded. “I was worried about that, too, but it turns out that he’s never even been flagged for audit.”

The Administrator’s eyebrow went up, but she refused to acknowledge the possibility that one of her useful idiots were more shrewd than she gave them credit for. “Lucky bastard. And the Spy?”

“It happened before we hired him, while he was traveling under one of his female aliases. I’d have to do a bit more digging, but I’m guessing it was just a part of whatever job he was doing at the time.”

“And of course the Soldier doesn’t believe in annulments,” she muttered.

“Is this really a problem, though?” Miss Pauling wanted to know.  “Wouldn’t it be a bigger problem if any of it came to light?”

The Administrator slammed a hand on her desk, causing Miss Pauling to jump.  “Of course it is! It doesn’t mean I’m happy about it!” She scattered the papers with a shove, sending them flying.  “Get these things out of my sight.  I don’t want to see them ever again.”

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