Goku is Dead
an exercise in dark humor by Dot
Of course, Goku couldn’t just up and die. After one of the times that happened, the world descended into chaos and several time lines got screwed up because of a certain purple-haired geek who couldn’t leave things as they were. And even if Goku did die, he would just acquire a little halo over his head and continue to annoy the hell out of everyone, most of all the Kais—that is, the ones who were still alive or sane.
So, in yet another attempt to get rid of Goku, the Kais came up with the ridiculous idea of the Evil Dragons. It worked, though, to the amazement and joy of all. And at the end, just as the Kais predicted, Goku gave up his existence to let Shenron grant one final wish out of the kindness of his heart, or whatever. After bidding farewell to his family and friends, who had gathered to see him off, Goku lay down and disappeared in a gratuitous display of author magic.
No one dared to say anything for a good five minutes.
“Is he really gone?” Gohan was the first to ask, not saying his father’s name for fear of bringing him back.
Vegeta snorted. “Yeah, until the powers that be decide to resurrect him.”
“Again,” added Piccolo.
Gohan stared. “A-again?!?”
Everyone else nodded.
Gohan turned to Videl. “What are we waiting for, then? We should go out and make a name for ourselves before he comes back!”
In the blink of an eye, Gohan and Videl transformed into their costumes.
“Forces of evil, beware!” Gohan declared. He bent the fingers of both hands into the sign for “I love you” and positioned his elbows at a right angle to each other.
Videl followed suit. “Because the greatest crime fighting team:”
Gohan lifted one foot and pulled his right arm back. “Great Saiyaman Number One!”
Videl spread her arms apart and and dropped to one knee. “Great Saiyaman Number Two!”
The two shouted together, moving in perfect harmony: “Will make criminals pay for their crimes!”
Then, they sauntered off in search of a suitable victim—er, that is, bad guy—to beat up.
“I did NOT teach him that.” Piccolo muttered, blushing purple.
Vegeta snickered. “Sure you didn’t.”
( R.I.P. )
Since Goku didn’t leave behind a body, no funeral was held. There was, however, a wake where all who knew Goku could gather together and watch the remaining members of the Son family show a proper amount of grief. Chi-Chi sniffled with silent dignity, like a good wife should. Gohan, on the other hand, let the tears stream down his face, although at times it was hard to tell whether he was shedding them from sadness or joy. Videl, on a third hand, clutched tightly to Gohan and dabbed at her eyes with her handkerchief. Goten, on a fourth, sat stone-faced next to Paris-chan, whom he was pursuing quite passionately; he looked like he was either ready to break down from inner turmoil or die of boredom. Pan, the fifth hand, the sole member who missed Goku because he cared about her in a way no-one else ever had, wailed like a banshee, not caring that people were staring at her. On the sixth hand, the narrator wondered where all these extra hands came from.
The wake lasted a mere thirty minutes. When it was over, everyone made his way to a nearby bar, where those over twenty one got themselves smashed on what seemed to be an infinite wall of sake. (Those under twenty-one would have also done the same, but that would have been an endorsement of under-aged drinking.)
Chi-Chi opened a restaurant chain which, with the help of Yamcha as a business partner, became an immense hit. She went on to become the founder of the Soylent Green Food Corporation, which also turned out to be a burgeoning company despite initial profit losses.
Gohan and Videl battled crime throughout the world until they were out-competed by a group of teen-aged girls in short, short skirts. So they became detectives instead, and cracked almost as many cases as the great Leroy Brown.
Goten got dumped by Paris-chan; despondent, he went from girl to girl in hopes of finding someone else like her. He settled with an ice-skater, and had a wonderful marriage. A year later, she gave birth to a boy—who, to everyone’s relief, looked nothing like Goku. Later, Goten discovered his wife’s kleptomaniac tendencies, and divorced her at once, winning custody of his son in the process. Under Pan’s advice, he remarried to an enterprising woman who was the president of a major weapons manufacturing company.
Pan ran away from home, joined the army, and became a professional killer. She also married Trunks in order to acquire the Capsule Corporation both as a front and an economic base for her operations. Eventually, the Capsule Corporation and the Red Ribbon Corporation merged; the Capsule Corporation also absorbed Microsoft after Bill Gates died of unknown causes. Soon after that, Trunks claimed to have foiled the intricate plot of a lab mouse to take over the world. With great sorrow, Pan committed her husband to a mental institution.
But the most wonderful thing of all was this: Goku stayed dead. And there was great rejoicing.
Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress’ Notes
This story came out of my disillusionment with DBGT as it descended back into the same endless fight scenes that killed my interest while following the original series. (By the way, check out “Usagi is Dead” at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/922343/1/Usagi-is-Dead-Usagi-is-Dead-Hip-Hip-Hip-Hooray;
it’s a much better story than mine.)