A Real Jerk
a story by Dot

How can I stand my crazy life, you ask? What do you mean, ‘crazy’? I think it’s wonderful! There’s never a boring moment, I get plenty of martial arts practice, and I’m surrounded by beautiful women…

What? Why do you look so surprised? Oh, that’s right, you think that I hate having all those fiancées.  Please! Do you have any idea how many people would kill to be in my place? Let’s just see you try to name anybody else that has women flocking to his door, each claiming to be his one true love.

What about my rivals, you ask? What rivals? Not Ryouga: he’s way too shy to admit his feelings for Akane, and if he tries anything I’ll make sure his little secret comes out in front of her. Not Mousse: Shampoo can’t stand him, and he can’t muster the guts to ‘hurt’ her in order to win her hand.  And not Tsubasa or Konatsu, either: Ukyou hates Tsubasa, and Konatsu still thinks that he’s a girl.  Well, okay, I was a little worried about Shinnousuke for a while, but after I got Akane back I’ll bet the idiot forgot about her.  And Kunou—don’t make me laugh! Even Akane can beat him up.

Of course I have to act like I don’t want to have anything to do with them; women love men who play hard to get.  Why else do you think Akane, Kodachi, Ukyou, and Shampoo keep fighting over me?

Kodachi’s the easiest one to fool.  That girl is as stupid as her brother, and twice as obsessed.  She goes into ecstasy if I even look in her general direction.  She’s the one that doesn’t require that much effort to keep her in love with me.  The problem is, she keeps trying to drug me and drag me off somewhere for her evil purposes; I’ve had to gain enough of an immunity to most of her flowers so she ends up being nothing but a minor inconvenience.  Still, it’s a bit annoying.  And her laugh is just downright scary.

Shampoo, while she speaks terrible Japanese, isn’t as dumb as she looks—but pretty close.  And damned desperate to bring home a husband; I’m probably the first man (or woman, for that matter) ever to have defeated her.  She’s tried everything short of threatening my life to get me to marry her.  She makes pretty good ramen, though, and is always willing to give her ‘airen’ a bowl on the house.

Speaking of free food, Ukyou’s the best cook.  It never ceases to amaze me how she whips her hands around and, in the blink of an eye, out pops the most perfect, delicious okonomiyaki I have ever eaten—until the next ‘Ucchan House Special’, of course.  To think that she first came, disguised as a guy, to kill me! Of course, once I realized who she really was, it was easy to get her to fall for me: I just had to put on that ‘sweet, innocent’ look all women go gaga over, and say the right words.  It was so damned funny to see her blush the way she did when I said she looked cute; I almost blew it right there, but Akane saved me by getting all jealous.

Akane—she’s the hardest.  Sometimes, I almost want to give up on her: she’s nowhere near as pretty as the others, can’t cook worth anything, and has a horrid temper.  But because of my stupid Pop and his ‘honor’, I’m stuck with her, so I try to make the best of it.  Akane tries to be tough, but she’s vulnerable, too; I realized that when I found out she liked Dr. Tofu.  So I do the routine with her too: a few words, a gentle touch, an enamored look—just a little something every once in a while to make her think I love her.  Of course, running to her rescue helps too; even though she says she can take care of herself, deep down she enjoys being the ‘Maiden in Distress’.  The best part, though, is seeing how far I can push her with my insults.  Sometimes I mean it and sometimes I don’t, but all the time I get rewarded with a “Ranma, you dummy!” and a beating.  It’s worth it, though, when I crawl back all battered and bruised because of her and see the guilt on her face.


Hey! Where do you think you’re going? To tell my fiancees the truth about me? Hah! Good luck! They’re so in love with me that they’ll think you’re trying to poison them against me so that you’ll have a chance.  You’ll just get yourself beaten up.  And I can handle Ryouga, Mousse, Tsubasa, and Kunou without even breaking a sweat; won’t do you any good to tell them, either.  And my useless old man can’t do anything to me; neither can that crybaby wimp of a father Akane has.  Kasumi is too nice to stop me; Nabiki won’t tell because she’ll lose her business.  Go ahead! Go and tell them!

You’re not going after all? That’s what I thought.

What? I’m not getting away with this?

Tsk, tsk.

I already did.

Long and Tiresome Authoress’ Notes:
This is possibly the first time my more cynical writing style showed through, inspired by Ranma’s atrocious behavior in the Reverse Jewel arc and what I had heard of the Ranma lemon darkfic “A Real Man”. Many people find my take on him in this story hilarious for one reason or another. *shrugs*